How to keep them safe?

When I found out I was pregnant with Nola, some friends gave me a journal to write in called “Great Expectations: A Mother’s Journey.” It is a beautiful book with heavy pages and black and white photographs of mothers and babies and delicate baby feet, hands, and soft little ears. I wrote in it regularly, beginning each entry with “Dear Baby,” then, once we knew we were having a little girl, “Dear Daughter,”. Eventually her name was chosen and I wrote, for the first time of hundreds, “Dear Nola,” Her father contributed as did her grandparents. It’s a wonderful keepsake of a time in my life that was packed with new experiences and as the title implied, great expectations.




I looked back at the entry from eleven years ago yesterday. It was the day that two students opened fire and killed classmates and teachers in their high school in Columbine, Colorado. It was with fear that I wrote to my little daughter within, and noted my insecurity at being able to protect her from the world.

Somehow, up to this point, I have managed to do so. Nola is a pretty well adjusted kid who tries hard, smiles a lot, and is very loved. She’s got a wicked sense of humor and a fierce independent streak. She is  affectionate, sweet and kind. And relatively innocent.



The boys that made the decision to go into their school and kill other human beings and then to kill themselves did so, they claimed, because they had been bullied. In the past few weeks there has been another story in the news of a girl’s death. From the reports I’ve read, she hanged herself because she was being bullied at school. Bullying today goes beyond face to face taunting like in the movies. It’s via text and Facebook, YouTube and Twitter. It’s worldwide and terrifying. How do I protect Nola from that? I’ve read that the kids that get bullied tend to be the ones with low self esteem, who crave approval from outside sources. If that is, in fact, that case, how do I fortify her self worth?



Our home is a safe environment for a child. We don’t drink, smoke or fight. We support her to the best of our ability, financially and emotionally. We’re her biggest cheerleaders. We eat dinner together on a regular basis and her friends like hanging out at our house. I monitor her computer use and review sites she’s visited. I have access to her Facebook account. I think we’re trying hard to do the right things to ensure her a stable and loving home. What else can we do to allow her to grow into a strong, self confident teen?

Still Life?

Why is it that I just can’t sit still? I don’t mean the squirmy kid kind of sitting still. I mean the settling into life and being satisfied with what and who I am kind of still.




Yesterday, while my husband was working and my daughter was visiting her dad, I found myself with something that I’m unaccustomed to having: time for myself. I knew this was coming and had planned to do some things that I had long wanted to do. I was looking forward to a few hours working on my photography, sorting through images to print, put together a portfolio, write a few days worth of blogs, work on a short story I want to submit, finish with a couple of photo contest entries, and maybe actually go out and drop off some work to a retailer or two in hopes of making a sale. You can see that my list was extensive and therefore became somewhat overwhelming. You would think that perhaps I would have been able to accomplish a few items, maybe even start a few more. How much of it did I do? None. Instead I did some shopping for the house and garden, started some slow cooked ribs for dinner, mulched the bed in front of the house, filled the birdfeeders, did all of the dishes, ran 2 miles, and made some guacamole. Most of those things can be done with my husband and kid around. I was supposed to be focusing on the things I can’t do when they’re in the house, the stuff that needs uninterrupted concentration.

I asked myself, in the midst of scooping out avocados, why I was doing such a thing. Why wasn’t I in the office, doing what I claim to love doing? Is it because it’s hard? Is it because after a few non stop days, I was burnt out and really needed to just be making guacamole at that time?



Being quiet and still is extremely difficult when the world streams on. I find it hard to be inactive mentally for even a few moments. The idea of mindfulness is intriguing but I find it a challenge to implement. My mind is constantly racing, checking off and adding to the to-do list. Like the tide, the list ebbs and flows, but doesn’t stop. I am not concerned that my inability to recall each item is a sign of a mental deficiency. I am concerned about its effect on my health, as I tend to carry my stress in my shoulders and neck. To take a few minutes to quietly breathe and think of nothing seems impossible. Perhaps yoga or meditation would be of benefit. How do you calm the mind and spirit?

Capture serenity

How do you capture stress in an image? I know how to capture serenity – the lovely softness of a flower petal, the potential of a path to who knows where, calm pools of ocean embracing tidal creatures. I got that. But where, in my portfolio, can I find a photograph to post here that would represent a stressful day in the life of, well, me?




And why, you might ask, would I want to capture stress in a photograph?

They keep telling me to reduce stress in my life. The doctors and therapists I’ve seen cast that off as the solution, and it probably is, but they don’t offer how to do it. Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to determine the cause of the headaches I had been suffering from on a daily basis for years now. I woke up with pain, jaw aching from clenching my teeth. I must be a lovely site to see first thing in the morning. The mornings at home are probably more rushed than they need to be and I know the solution for it, but can’t seem to make it happen. Even if I got up two hours early, I still would push it to the last minute, finding plenty of other things that need to be done as well as the usual morning stuff. My drive into work is not one of free ways and traffic jams. An occasional delay when my timing parallels that of the school bus isn’t enough to call my commute into question as the cause of my tension. And really, work isn’t that stressful. Sure there are times when things gotta get done and the afternoon is winding down, but I don’t usually take my work home with me, except to vent to my husband, who works for the same organization. I’ve certainly had worse jobs. I don’t dread going into work. My kid is good, well behaved for the most part. I don’t have to worry about her so much. She’s a good, loving, smart kid. Relationships with my husband and parents are solid and enjoyable. So what’s the deal? Why is it that I have to consciously relax my shoulders and neck and rub my temples? After months of exploring the causes of my headaches; I’ve had my eyes and teeth checked, health is good, nothing abnormal there, started chiropractic care to address spinal misalignment which can sometimes cause neck and facial tension, and even had an allergy scan, which incidentally, brought to light the fact that I’m allergic to dust and dust mites. Oh great, something else I have to worry about, cleaning the house.



But my mind races constantly and I need to find a way to quiet things in there. My thoughts flit from the next thing I have to do (finish this sentence) to what I’m having for lunch (leftover fish and asparagus), and oh yeah, I’ve got to call Nola’s school for directions to that thing in a couple of weeks and pay my credit card bills online and email Wanda about dinner Saturday and where the heck are those magnifying lenses I bought last summer? I need to see if I can shoot something for Pioneer Woman’s photo assignment for the week on macros and I’ve got to go to Walmart and pick up those prints, when can I go? It goes on and on. From one thing to another and not all worry and dread at all, as you can see, just activity and perpetually on the hamster wheel of thoughts of my life.

Maybe I just don’t need to find that photograph after all. Maybe what I need to do is to continue to seek out the calm and serene and keep the focus of my lens on those things. Take the advice I’ve been getting and seek out ways to relax. See, I’ve just added something else to the list. . . the endless list of things to do. Find a yoga class. Learn how to meditate. Am I the only one living with such a constant stream of tasks and questions and decisions on the run? I doubt it. I’d love to hear how anyone out there deals with the everyday and how you get to stop and take a look at the big picture before it’s too late. Teach me to remember what’s most important.