RECOVERY

If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, please get them some help.  They will thank you for it.  If you think you might have a problem with alcohol or drugs, please seek help.  There are so many people out there who are willing to help, including me.  Contact me through this blog or my website or email directly to celeste@celestecota.com.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fabulous fellowship.  Members will go to great legnths to help.  Visit the website http://www.aa.org/.  Call the hotline listed in your phone book.  Someone can come to help you.  There's assistance to get to meetings.  The recovery community is vast and there are many avenues to take that can restore your sanity. 


Monday, May 24, 2010



Recovery topic: Missing out?

“Do you feel like you’ve missed out?” The question was raised at a meeting last week. When directed at me, I replied as honestly as I could and said that no, I feel like sobriety has given me more than I feel that I’ve missed. I’ve been thinking about the question, and its resulting conversation and my response since then. Does the fact that I cannot safely drink alcohol mean that I miss out on the things in life that I would otherwise enjoy?

Tomorrow is my 45th birthday. I spent my 40th birthday in rehab. I had just reached 30 days sobriety. Joe had been sending me cards and letters, but we were not yet a couple. One of the girls and I had spent the afternoon in the house kitchen making me a birthday cake, orange chiffon. They all made me a huge birthday card and wrote the requisite congratulations and birthday wishes. Not long after that birthday, I “graduated” from the program. The months after are filled with good things like falling in love with my friend, Joe and some bad things like relapse and disappointment. I was on the edge of life, wanting so desperately to be “normal” and be able to drink and party like I had been. The other side of that edge was I life I could barely see, but was at its beginnings. It gleamed on the horizon. If I squinted hard enough I could see a life of calm, an end to chaos and fear, days filled with what the “real” world considers “normal,” like taking my kid to school and making dinner for my family and being loved more than I could imagine and actually believing that I was worthy of that life and love.

Here I sit five years later with no question in my mind that I am worthy and deserve what I have. Do I think I’ve missed out on anything because I couldn’t drink through the last five years? Would my life have been better if I could have had beers at the barbeques that I have been to? Or pina coladas in the Caribbean? Or champagne at my own wedding? I honestly doubt that it would have enhanced any of the experiences I’ve had. In fact, when I really examine how it had been, the reality of it is that it’s unlikely I would have been invited to the barbeques. Nor would I have gone to the Caribbean. Getting married would not have happened either. If I had continued to drink as I had been, there’s a question as to whether I would have even made it to this day alive. I feel quite certain that Nola would not be living with me. I know for a fact that Joe would not. My parents were nearing the point that they couldn’t deal with me. The friends I had at the time, the few that were left, had grown tired of my antics and drama.



As to the question of whether or not I’ve missed out, I add – Missed out on what?



Okay – yeah I missed out. I missed out on going to court and losing custody of my daughter because it would have been unsafe for her to be left in my care. I missed out on getting caught driving while intoxicated because “I was fine”. I missed out on who knows how many fights with my ex-husband about who knows what because active alcoholism requires drama and self loathing and being a victim. I missed out on the loneliness and desperation. I missed out on a lot of crying. I missed out on having to apologize to people after having drunk dialed them, and then remembered it in the morning. I missed out on all the cringing and wondering exactly what I had done and said. I missed out on crashing my car and hurting myself or another person. I missed out on missing Joe after he had had enough of me. I missed out on staying in that crappy apartment and struggling to get through every day. Yes, I guess I missed out on a lot.

So as I round the corner into forty five years on this planet my worries and concerns face forward. I am not mired in regret. What did happen happened and not one tear is going to change anything. What did happen is that I got sober. That triggered a series of events that have made my life as wonderful as it is now. The amazing gift of balance and serenity has seeped into all other areas of my life. My wonderful daughter has the mom she needs, who can support her and love her and laugh with her. My husband has a wife who can truly be a partner as well as a friend and lover and a fun date. My parent’s daughter emails and calls them just about daily about the little good things. Being sober allows me to be all of this and more. I’m a co-worker that others can depend on, not gossip about. No one shakes their heads and wonders when I’m out sick. I’m a photographer with a clear focus not only on the business I’m building, but on the images I create and the image I cultivate. I’ve got gifts I couldn’t have imagined that day in rehab five years ago. I’ve done things I hadn’t even dreamed about. I have possibilities and determination, and no reason to believe that I can’t achieve whatever it is that I want.

The fear of “missing out” on the good stuff has a counterpart in “missing out” on the bad stuff. Talk about balance.










May 17th, 2010
Finding Balance

A busy weekend behind me, I look forward into the week spread before me. My date book tells me that I’ve got an appointment with my chiropractor on Wednesday and I’ve got to take my daughter to her guitar and singing lessons. Not much scheduled. Pretty easy week.










My to-do list, however, tells a different story.







Rarely do I find resolution or closure there. It never ends. There is always more to do. You might note that my Friday blog entry, where I have been writing about travel in the state of Maine, and look forward to doing so, never got written. It was on the list. The pies I wanted to make on Saturday didn’t get made. The photos I need to take for some cards didn’t get taken. The laundry’s not folded and I haven’t finished writing the story I want to submit to a writing contest, deadline last Saturday.

I wonder daily how to do what needs to get done in the small hours I have each day.







When I got into recovery, I thought that it would solve all of my problems. Bit by bit, many of my troubles disappeared. Now, a few years into sobriety, most of the bad stuff has gone away, either resolved by my perseverance or time itself. When it comes down to it, things are pretty good.







But how to find balance? This is a question I hear from many women, in recovery or not. How do you find the time to do what is required of you, whether that requirement is self imposed or demanded by others? How do you live life on life’s terms?

Maybe there’s something in those AA expressions. Take it easy. Live and let live. Easy does it. Let go Let God. Maybe those who have gone before me have found that if I allow myself to become discouraged and disillusioned, I will be more easily led to a drink. Maybe balance is more easily achieved with less on each spinning plate.











Perhaps I should think about what I did accomplish on the to-do list. Blogged 4 out of 5 days. Took Nola shopping for her friend’s birthday party gift. Shot photos for the 365 project I’m doing. Coordinated the prints and cards order I needed. Planted spinach, lettuce, and broccoli, daylilies and tiger lilies.







In looking back over how I spent the last week, there are things that never make the list. As far as accomplishments go, they are some of the most important. Spent some time with my husband. Enjoyed steaks and laughs with some friends. Snuggled on the couch watching American Idol with my daughter.



These things just don’t get scheduled into my life but they make my life complete. They are the reasons I smile everyday. They are the LIFE in life’s terms.







What makes you smile everyday and makes all the other stuff worthwhile? What balances your life?

May 10th, 2010


Having Fun: Then and Now

If you would have told me six years ago that I would go to the Caribbean and not have a margarita or pina colada, I would have laughed out loud at the thought. My vision of a day on an island would have most certainly included tropical drinks and a mid afternoon nap in a hammock to sleep it off. Mimosas and Bloody Marys to start the day. Fruity cocktails to keep it going. My days would have revolved around tiki huts and beach bars. When I thought of the Caribbean, that’s what came to mind.



In all honesty, drinking was on the agenda no matter where I was.



My first trip to the Caribbean was to St. Maarten and it was very early in my sobriety. Perhaps 90 days sober when we went, those welcome cocktails at the reception desk and the tray full of passion punch on the catamaran snorkel tour we booked were hard to look at, knowing that I had to decline them. I was really tested on that trip.

Since then, though, we had been to many places and events where alcohol was not only served but encouraged. In Mexico, at our resort, a tequila cart wheeled around at dinnertime, and Kahlua was set right next to the serve yourself coffee. Booking an all inclusive resort, we worried that since we didn’t drink, we wouldn’t get our money’s worth, and even commented, at dinner one evening as that tequila cart was offered to us, that the resort would be losing money if we were drinking. Our in room refrigerator was stocked with beers and champagne and a bottle of tequila had been left as a gift. I had requested that the management remove alcohol from our room, hoping that we would be stocked with more bottled water and sodas. Our neighbors in the villa benefited from the gifts.

I’m a parrothead. That hasn’t changed either. I’m a sober parrothead, though and for me that’s a big change. For the uninitiated, a Parrot head is akin to a Deadhead, back in the days of the Grateful Dead, only in this case, a Parrothead is a fan of Jimmy Buffett. You know Buffett, of Margaritaville fame. If you’ve ever been to a Buffett concert, you know what it’s like. It’s a parking lot full of grass skirts, coconut bras, and blenders whirring. I have now been to two shows sober. And I had just as much fun. Being sober at a Buffett concert didn’t mean that we didn’t participate in the frivolity. We wore the grass skirts and brought a cooler full of food and a jug of frozen concoctions. We walked around the venue and surveyed the activities; the swimming pools and the barbeques, the huge margarita glasses and the drinking games. What’s different about my experience? I can make it through the show. I’m not lost and wandering around the parking lot. I didn’t throw up. We saw plenty of that there. We had VIP Parking so were near the entrance to the venue and watched many a drunk guy or girl make their way through the gates, pouring out the last of their cocktails near the door. Some were held up by others. Some were singing. Some were crying. Some didn’t make it into the show at all. I watched, bemused and grateful for my clarity.

At times it is difficult to live a sober life in a society drenched in alcohol. I am writing today to tell you that you can have fun without drinking. There was a time that I would have baulked at the thought. I believed that everything that was to be enjoyed was to be enjoyed with drinks. All of my favorite things to do back then included drinking, whether it was a picnic, getting together with friends, working in my garden, or just hanging out at home. There was always alcohol. Now having been sober for a few years, I can honestly say that I don’t miss drinking. Those favorite things to do are still some of my favorite things to do and are just as fun doing them sober. More fun in most cases because I remember them. I don’t end up bruised and wondering what happened. I don’t get into arguments and find myself crying. And I’ve discovered new things. Things I love to do now would have not been on the radar back then for one reason: I couldn’t drink while doing them or they would cut into my drinking time. I’m talking about snorkeling, riding zip lines and roller coasters, long hikes and nature walks with my husband, daughter, and friends. I run now. I cook with out burning stuff (most of the time). I can see a project through to the end. Before getting sober, I would have been too anxious doing these things. I would be preoccupied with the whens and hows of my next drink. Sobriety has given me a freedom that I didn’t know before. I am no longer obsessed with alcohol, acquiring it, consuming it, coveting it. The compulsion to drink has left me.

Yes, I made changes to accommodate my new life. In some ways, I changed everything. In reality, yes, my attitude changed, and along with it, so many other things. Today my life is better than I could have imagined. It’s peaceful and happy. Gone is the drama and anxiety that active alcoholic behavior had me entwined in. But I didn’t have to give myself up. I didn’t change my taste in music or my sense of humor. I didn’t alter my style of dress or my love of cooking. My daughter, my husband, my writing and my photography are still my passions, and if anything, the ability to nurture them is increased. A tropical drink is still delicious even without the rum. It took a while for me to be comfortable in situations that had been notoriously intoxicating. I am thankful I had such great support from my then boyfriend now husband, who had been through it and knew about triggers. If you’re new in sobriety, or if your old playgrounds are unsafe for you, don’t go there. Don’t tempt yourself unnecessarily. Don’t put yourself in situations that will make it difficult to stay sober. I’m telling my story so that others might see something useful in my experiences and recognize that life is very far from over when you get sober.

I would love to hear from readers about how their concept of fun has changed since getting sober.  What kinds of things do you do that you never thought you would?

May 3, 2010


But for the grace of God, go I.

It is in the most ordinary of places that I am reminded of the importance of my sobriety. I was in the convenience store on Friday, in the late afternoon. I was in to buy lottery tickets to feed my hope that someday I’ll win big and be able to travel the world with my family. In front of me in line was a man in his late thirties purchasing a single Mike’s hard lemonade. A roadie. That was my first thought. A drink for the ride home. When I finished my purchase and was walking back to my car, I saw him, sitting in his, twisting the top off the bottle between his legs. This man is going to drink and drive.




Did I make this assumption because he looked like he had worked a hard, sweaty, contractor kind of day? Could my assumption be driven by the many contractors I’ve known? Of course it is. But the truth is that my own past behavior is the biggest contributing factor. I hate to admit this, but I drank and drove more times than I can count. More times than I can remember. Even before I was drinking alcoholically in the dark last years, I would go out to bars with my friends, swill a few beers (or more) and drive home. I would do like so many others and convince myself I’m fine. More often than not, it didn’t cross my mind. Of course I’m driving home. How many people drinking today are on the road regularly? Not just the folks leaving the bars at night. That’s obvious. I know I’m not the only person out there who would go out to lunch, have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal, and then return to work, driving myself there. I know I’m not the only one who went out after more wine when it ran out at home. I know people, in and out of recovery, to whom the purchase of a beer or two for the ride home is part of their daily routine. I knew guys who would stand around in the parking lot of their place of work at the end of the day, pulling icy cold beers out of the coolers in the back of their trucks, drinking, laughing and joking, “relaxing” before the drive home to their wives and families. We would count the distance of a road trip as a six pack drive or a two beer trip. Multi state ventures required a full cooler and many stops. This is just what we did. Does this mean that everyone out there on the road with a beer between his legs is an alcoholic? Absolutely not. But that guy IS drinking and driving and putting himself and others in danger. And it could be someone you don’t suspect, like me, a mom driving an SUV.

Today, seeing a police car behind me still makes me nervous. Why? I’ve been in recovery for over 5 years and do not drive (or do anything) drunk. I don’t worry about having to stash the sippy cup of wine in my cup holder or whether any cop would find the weed in my purse. That is not part of my life now. But it was, and it was for a long time, and old fears and responses are hard to shake.

Seeing that man the other day reminded me of how arrogant and selfish I was when I was drinking. I wouldn’t get caught. I wasn’t that bad. Truthfully, that was my main concern, when I did think about it, that I would get caught. I didn’t think about others and that I was a menace on the road. I didn’t think about killing others. It wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone. When I was stopped and charged with operating under the influence, I had rear ended another car, and thankfully, no one was hurt. That is not to justify my behavior whatsoever.



Recently, a suspect was arrested in a manslaughter case here in Orono, Maine. Last winter, a 20 year old student was killed as she walked on a side street near her home. It was late at night. She was found in the snow in the early morning. The police defined the accident as a hit and run. She was a childhood education major and she’s dead. The man who is in custody and charge with the crime is a young man from Berwick, in the southern part of the state, who was visiting his cousin. They had been partying, drinking, and he chose to drive. He hit the girl and drove away, onto the interstate and heading south. He went off the road twenty or so miles down the highway and was arrested for OUI. His car was impounded and he never returned to claim it, knowing that the police were looking for that type of car in connection with the accident in Orono.

When I heard the story, I recall thinking “but for the grace of God, go I”, a phrase that comes to mind often when I hear about drunk drivers killing themselves or others. I’m not a religious person, but the statement fits situations like this. It could have been me driving drunk on a snowy side street at night. What would I have done? Would I have fled, like the man from Berwick? What would you do? To say that you would do the right thing and turn yourself in immediately is noble, but difficult to believe. It’s easy for me to say that I wouldn’t put myself in that kind of situation, now that I’m sober. How many of us alcoholics are really just fortunate that nothing worse happened when we were behind the wheel intoxicated? I consider myself just that. Fortunate. Not better than anyone else. It just didn’t happen to me, but it very well could have. But for the grace of God.