But for the grace of God, go I

It is in the most ordinary of places that I am reminded of the importance of my sobriety. I was in the convenience store on Friday, in the late afternoon. I was in to buy lottery tickets to feed my hope that someday I’ll win big and be able to travel the world with my family. In front of me in line was a man in his late thirties purchasing a single Mike’s hard lemonade. A roadie. That was my first thought. A drink for the ride home. When I finished my purchase and was walking back to my car, I saw him, sitting in his, twisting the top off the bottle between his legs. This man is going to drink and drive.




Did I make this assumption because he looked like he had worked a hard, sweaty, contractor kind of day? Could my assumption be driven by the many contractors I’ve known? Of course it is. But the truth is that my own past behavior is the biggest contributing factor. I hate to admit this, but I drank and drove more times than I can count. More times than I can remember. Even before I was drinking alcoholically in the dark last years, I would go out to bars with my friends, swill a few beers (or more) and drive home. I would do like so many others and convince myself I’m fine. More often than not, it didn’t cross my mind. Of course I’m driving home. How many people drinking today are on the road regularly? Not just the folks leaving the bars at night. That’s obvious. I know I’m not the only person out there who would go out to lunch, have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal, and then return to work, driving myself there. I know I’m not the only one who went out after more wine when it ran out at home. I know people, in and out of recovery, to whom the purchase of a beer or two for the ride home is part of their daily routine. I knew guys who would stand around in the parking lot of their place of work at the end of the day, pulling icy cold beers out of the coolers in the back of their trucks, drinking, laughing and joking, “relaxing” before the drive home to their wives and families. We would count the distance of a road trip as a six pack drive or a two beer trip. Multi state ventures required a full cooler and many stops. This is just what we did. Does this mean that everyone out there on the road with a beer between his legs is an alcoholic? Absolutely not. But that guy IS drinking and driving and putting himself and others in danger. And it could be someone you don’t suspect, like me, a mom driving an SUV.

Today, seeing a police car behind me still makes me nervous. Why? I’ve been in recovery for over 5 years and do not drive (or do anything) drunk. I don’t worry about having to stash the sippy cup of wine in my cup holder or whether any cop would find the weed in my purse. That is not part of my life now. But it was, and it was for a long time, and old fears and responses are hard to shake.

Seeing that man the other day reminded me of how arrogant and selfish I was when I was drinking. I wouldn’t get caught. I wasn’t that bad. Truthfully, that was my main concern, when I did think about it, that I would get caught. I didn’t think about others and that I was a menace on the road. I didn’t think about killing others. It wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone. When I was stopped and charged with operating under the influence, I had rear ended another car, and thankfully, no one was hurt. That is not to justify my behavior whatsoever.



Recently, a suspect was arrested in a manslaughter case here in Orono, Maine. Last winter, a 20 year old student was killed as she walked on a side street near her home. It was late at night. She was found in the snow in the early morning. The police defined the accident as a hit and run. She was a childhood education major and she’s dead. The man who is in custody and charge with the crime is a young man from Berwick, in the southern part of the state, who was visiting his cousin. They had been partying, drinking, and he chose to drive. He hit the girl and drove away, onto the interstate and heading south. He went off the road twenty or so miles down the highway and was arrested for OUI. His car was impounded and he never returned to claim it, knowing that the police were looking for that type of car in connection with the accident in Orono.

When I heard the story, I recall thinking “but for the grace of God, go I”, a phrase that comes to mind often when I hear about drunk drivers killing themselves or others. I’m not a religious person, but the statement fits situations like this. It could have been me driving drunk on a snowy side street at night. What would I have done? Would I have fled, like the man from Berwick? What would you do? To say that you would do the right thing and turn yourself in immediately is noble, but difficult to believe. It’s easy for me to say that I wouldn’t put myself in that kind of situation, now that I’m sober. How many of us alcoholics are really just fortunate that nothing worse happened when we were behind the wheel intoxicated? I consider myself just that. Fortunate. Not better than anyone else. It just didn’t happen to me, but it very well could have. But for the grace of God.