Recovery Topic: Cracks in the pavement

Cracks in the pavement. That’s what you’re looking for.




You can’t force sobriety on anyone. A good friend told me that a few years ago. Staying sober is a decision that only can be made by the person doing it. Getting sober can happen many different ways. If you love someone who is suffering from addiction, you can help them get clean and sober, but only if you can find that cracks in the pavement.



When I was practicing active alcoholism, I had built that wall pretty thick. It was well plastered with being plastered. I couldn’t see beyond it and felt trapped by it, but I was afraid to step around it. Getting sober meant changing and that’s a frightening thing. It’s much more comfortable to stay with what you know. Becoming aware of just how bad it had become was one of the first times that I actually thought that there might be a problem. My family did the best they could, but it took another alcoholic to show me that there was another way of living. I went to Mercy Recovery to get sober, but it took a long time for me to stay sober. I would relapse then get sober, relapse then get sober, over and over again.

Seeing that a person could live without alcohol, and live happily, allowed just a little bit of sun to shine through that thick wall of fear I had created. It was enough to feed the roots of an idea that was beginning to grow. Soon, that idea was nurtured further by meeting new sober people, hearing their stories, and learning that I was not alone. I needed to see how I could live a sober life that would be better than the one I had. I didn’t think it was possible until I got a glimpse of it.



Last week, by friend Bill told me that a friend of his is in the hospital, in critical care. He had been vomiting blood for days and had collapsed at home. Bill said that he had been drinking heavily for years. A man now in his late fifties, he began drinking at age eleven. Bill told of a time that he and his friend had been out running errands when his friend demanded that he be taken home so he could have a drink. I just shook my head in understanding. The need is so strong. Bill is not an alcoholic and doesn’t know why his friend wouldn’t “just stop” drinking. He has hopes that when his friend realizes how close he has come to dying, that he will quit drinking. I suggested that he try not to be disappointed if that doesn’t happen. This is a powerful disease.

What he can do is suggest to his friend that he check out an AA meeting. He can offer to drive him to one and attend it with him. He can provide friendship and an alternative to sitting home wanting to drink by taking him somewhere, anywhere where there’s no alcohol. He can be there for his friend. The truth is that the best person to help an alcoholic is another alcoholic. All Bill can really do is suggest recovery.



It certainly wasn’t my intention to drink myself to death, but at the end, I was dying. I was caught in the cycle of addiction. When I went to Mercy Recovery, I did not go willingly. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to get sober. I couldn’t fathom the concept of never drinking again. No cold beers on a hot sunny day. No pretty little cocktails at fancy restaurants. The truth is that I had long gone beyond drinking that way. I was at the end and had run out of options. My parents were willing to help me if I went. They would help with the care of my daughter and would let me live with them afterwards. I could no longer afford my apartment. I had no license and my job. I had no choice. I went. I went to meetings and found out that there are more people like me out there. There were people with whom I could identify. Mothers and wives and daughters and sisters who needed help to get sober. Then I started meeting people who were all that AND sober. Then it clicked that I could still be me, but better. I could be a better mother, wife, daughter, and sister and all I had to do was not drink today. That’s all it takes. Don’t drink today. Tomorrow is another story. I got to know that there was another way.

Once you’ve been exposed to recovery, it kind of seeps into you like those weeds that come up through the cracks in the sidewalk. They get in against all odds. So does the message of recovery. Someone once told me that once you know, you can’t not know.

He has said over and over that AA ruined his drinking. By that he means that just knowing that he didn’t have to live that way was enough to change how he looked at his drinking. Someone asked him “have you had enough?” That’s what it takes: Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Knowing that things can be better makes it more difficult to continue that current pattern of behavior.



But they have to want it. No one else. That is what will KEEP a person sober. So what can I tell my friend Bill about his friend? How can I help him help him? Perhaps the best thing I can do is to try to impart a little bit of understanding about this disease, and that it is a disease. It is not a matter of willpower. An alcoholic cannot “just stop” drinking, no more that you can stop vomiting and diarrhea when you have the flu. In fact, withdrawal from alcohol is more dangerous that from many other drugs and is best achieved with professional help. I recall my mother saying that my participation in a 28 day recovery program “had to work” as if treatment was as simple as that. I can’t say what “worked” for me. Over time, sober time, I started to get the message, and little by little, I thought about alcohol less. The cravings eventually ceased. The compulsion to drink left me.

What I have now is like they say. It’s a life second to none, one that I would never have expected as I sat in that hospital bed more than five years ago. The difference is that now I want sobriety and live a sober happy life. I think that the best thing I can do for another alcoholic is to stay sober and show her the possibilities.